Well, another birthday just passed. I guess that means I’m 20 now.
It used to be that when I had a birthday, I’d spend it celebrating. But I find that today, it feels less of a reason to celebrate, and more one that calls for reflection. No worries, I don’t intend to get too sappy and depressing. What follows are good things. Promise.
For those who I haven’t personally told, the last month or so hasn’t been the easiest month for me. October was one hell of an obstacle for me, dealing with schoolwork and feelings of inadequacy. This gigantic, humongous, monstrous deluge of negativity that I’ve never before felt the likes of. At one point, I had it in my head to even concede that living here had probably killed me a bit on the inside, and broken my spirit.
That month was likely to be my lowest point in memory.
But that’s fine. I got over that, and although I still feel the shock of coming so close to my breaking point, I feel like that was a necessary experience in my life. Until then, I’ve never known my limits. I’ve never known at what point does my determination begin to fail. The point at which the motivational speech changes from:
“John, you need to stop wasting your time.”
into
“John, you need to find it in you to get through this.”
Needless to say, I didn’t like the feeling that perhaps this was the farthest my current self could go. I hadn’t felt self-loathing like that before. But it made me re-evaluate everything. In an almost literal sense, everything.
I’ve said before how I believe in the potential a person has. The multitude of potential persons-to-be that their life could have them metamorphose into. In the same vein, I’ve said before how I intend to be the very best version of myself that I could bring myself to be. That month made me realize how very little I had been doing to bring me closer to my goal.
So, I’m making a promise to myself now. A personal birthday present to myself. I’m going try to do a lot less. Instead, I’m going to be doing a lot more.
I’m hoping this pays off. I’m tired of being less that I know I can be.
